Thursday, July 31, 2008

Government denies involvement with Monster, suggests it's a cat

Clearly the government is trying to discourage you intrepid monster hunters. Carol Bengle Gilbert writes for Associated Content:

The Director of the Plum Island Animal Disease Center today uttered an unequivocal denial that the Monster of Montauk came from the facility. ..

Dr. Larry Barrett, Plum Island Animal Disease Center (PIADC) Director, responded to a flood of media inquiries on the Montauk Monster by issuing the following statement:

"It is impossible to accurately identify the species of animal from the photo. There is no scale from which to judge its size. Additionally, when a body has had prolonged exposure to water and predators, it can be altered or appear different from its normal form. If we had the actual body, we could tell you what it is; however, from viewing a canine tooth in the picture, we could guess it may be a cat or raccoon.

Yeah, OK. It's a cat. With a beak. Like you see all the time. Beakcat.

Montauk Monster Hypothesis #2

Hypothesis: the Montauk Monster is a sleestak from Land of the Lost.

Send us your hypothesis:

Montauk Monster Hypothesis #1

Hypothesis: The Montauk Monster is the skeksis from Dark Crystal.

Send us your hypothesis:

Calling all monster hunters..

America, your pristine, glittering beaches have been plagued long enough by the likes of the Montauk Monsters. Lingering just below the surface, waiting for your tender legs to dip into the water, the Montauk Monster has taken far too many liberties with your innocent trust of the sea.

Until today.

While the surprising appearance of a deceased Montauk Monster on a beach in its namesake Hamptons town yesterday morning was encouraging, it also strikes fear into our hearts--we now know that there are definitely more out there in the wild deep. We here at Venom, however, feel that we've lived in fear of the Montauk Monster for too long. We're proud to have created the only energy drink that bites back, and we think it's high time that man bite back against the scourge of the Hamptons seas. Gas prices are higher than anyone had ever imagined, food costs are rising and the housing market is in shambles...but there's one element of life that we can still control, and to that end the food chain dominance of the human race resumes here.

So hear this, America: Venom has placed a bounty on the capture of a Montauk Monster on one condition--you must bring it to us alive. The first person to do so will receive a lifetime supply of Venom and a sponsorship to further his/her career as a monster-hunter. Read the press release here for the details.

Hunters, fishermen, divers, army guys, soldiers of fortune--this is your chance to prove just how badass you are. To help, we've created this site to serve as a guide to finding, fighting and capturing the Montauk Monster. It's not a quest for the faint of heart.

Good luck, and make sure you have a big enough boat.

What is a monster hunter?

Are you man enough to capture the beast? The answer is probably no. Sorry.

But why don't we show you a few monster hunters that we admire - guys with the cojones to take down something like the Montauk Monster and bring it back alive. You might learn something.

Winston Zeddemore.

The finest of the Ghostbusters. The thinking man's Ghostbuster.

Yes, Bill Murray gets more jokes. Harold Ramis has compelling, Lyle Lovett-like hair. But Winston Zeddemore is the heart and soul of that legendary operation. Consider:

Harold Ramis: Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning's reading, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.

Winston: That's a big Twinkie.


The original monster hunter, and the orginal bad-ass to boot.

Gilgamesh is too powerful, so the gods create Enkidu to humble him by beating him down: they become best friends.

Gilgamesh gets a hankering for some cedar wood (maybe he builds his own furniture, I don't know) but the cedar forest is guarded by a legendary monster: he kills it.

The gods are upset at Gilgamesh, so they send a monster to kill him and then they strike down Enkidu, his best friend: Gilgamesh defeats this monster too, and then goes on a quest to become a god.

That's how a monster hunter rolls.


Look, if you didn't play Wing Commander, you might not get this one. I'll try to explain.

Hobbes is a monster, kinda. Like a space monster. Or a space man. Except a cat.

But Hobbes defects from the monsters to fight on your side, against the monsters. Only eventually it turns out he was fighting for the monsters the whole time. Except not really, because he didn't really ever exist.

You know what? Skip this one.

John Major.

The last Nessie sighting was in 1996.

Yeah, exactly.

If you still think you're up for monster hunting with Venom now that you know what it's all about, send us an email with your monster hunting credentials to Entries will be judged on pictures and bathos.