Monday, August 11, 2008

Happy trails from Venom Energy Drink... until we meet again

Well monster hunters, it's been a pretty memorable ride here at the Capture the Beast blog. Ultimately no one caught a Montauk Monster, though many tried, and for that, we admire your bravery, fearlessness, and other synonyms of bravery.

What was the Montauk beakmonster? Maybe it was a sleestak. Maybe it was a turtle. Maybe it really was a hideous monster from the darkest depths of the ocean. We might never know.

But you do know this: Venom is the piercing energy drink that strikes back. And rest assured, monster hunters: we will strike back, too, the next time there's a mysterious monster that needs catching.

It's not exactly a bat-signal, but when you need us, use this.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Reminder: bounty still up for grabs

Keep in mind people: Venom Energy Drink is still prepared to deliver a lifetime supply of Venom to the intrepid individual who can bring in a Montauk monster alive.

In the future, there will be no currency, only Venom. And then your lifetime supply of Venom will make you the richest person in the world. Think about it.

Mailbag, Issue #1


Evan I. writes:
so ya, i captured the so called 'Montauk Monster.' when do i get my lifetime supply of Venom?

Holy cow, Evan you got it! No, wait. That's a racoon. A racoon, Evan! I'll bet you feel a fool now. Let that thing go. You need some Venom, we'll see if we can't find some to send you.

Mark W. writes:
I have discovered the true identity of the Montauk beakmonster! I searched the four corners of the Earth and present to you the Otter! Most likely a North American River Otter, Lontra canadensis, given its location on the beach in New York. Attached are some photos. From the photos, you can see the legs are identical. So is the thick tail. [..]

I have even arranged to have some creatures held captive for your inspection here at the San Antonio Zoo. I will try to get some up the the Dallas zoo, perhaps they have already arrived.
Hmm. Mark, having carefully considered your evidence, we don't think that otter is the monster. That said, you laid out your argument like Perry freakin' Mason. Let's see if we can scare up some Venom for you.

Something else we learned from this email: DO NOT TICK OFF MARK. He will arrange to have you held captive at the zoo. THE DUDE DOES NOT MESS AROUND.

More tomorrow.

Monster appears on toast

Well, according to that Newsday poll (it's still running) most people who think that the beak monster is an animal of some kind think that it's a turtle.

Well can a turtle do THIS??

Yeah, exactly. NO.

The monster has appeared on this slice of toast. In Oklahoma. Monster toast.

And the dude to whom the monster toast appeared is selling it on eBay. Maybe we'll buy it.

Friday, August 1, 2008

This is how you do it

A lot of you have been dragging your feet on capturing a live Montauk beakmonster. Get cracking! It's still out there, people! Let ol' Boba Fett show you how its done.


Thanks to Daniel A. who sent this in. We're gonna hook you up with some Venom! And a Sarlacc! Send us your own monster fan art to

Newsday Poll shows serious skepticism, turtle fixation

Newsday is running a poll to see what people think the monster is.

We voted for "unknown sea creature" (natch) but we're saddened that a majority of the respondents think the monster is a photoshop. C'mon! A lot of people also think that we created the monster, and I can categorically deny that. Other things that are definitely not publicity stunts and that we have nothing to do with: the Large Hadron Collider's forthcoming destruction of the earth, "Hockey scores", and Steorn.

Also bizarre: 22.7% think it's a turtle without a shell. Are you serious.

To catch the Montauk Monster, you must have the right gear

And unless you're a 00 agent, it's not likely that you've got access to state-of-the art equipment. We here at Venom Energy Drink can help you with that. Just take a look below at our cutting edge line of Montauk Monster huntingwear, custom-designed to help you track down the elusive sea beast.

Like we said, some of you monster-hunters out there have been sending us some totally awesome fan art and helpful information about the Monster to Keep sending us your artistic renditions of the beast or any useful Monster-related news, and we'll hook you up with free Venom Energy Drink product or one of the items below.

Remember, this doesn't just affect the innocent citizens of the affects anyone who has ever set foot on a beach, or dipped their toe in the ocean. It's time to fight back.

Bounty still unclaimed!

Don't forget monster hunters: the lifetime supply of Venom Energy Drink payable upon the capture of a live Montauk Monster still unclaimed.

If you've got proof of your successful capture, send it to us at and we'll examine it carefully for veracity, truthfulness, consistency.

UPDATE: We've received a fair amount of email from people who have evidence that they have caught other monsters. If you have caught:
then you do not qualify for the lifetime supply of Venom Energy Drink. Please send evidence of any of the above to Loren Coleman. Except the last one; send that to TMZ.

SECOND UPDATE: We've been getting some rad fan art of the Montauk beakmonster. If you've got something cool that you've made, send it to us at and maybe we'll hook you up with some Venom.


Venom Energy Drink presents:

Montauk Monster Hypothesis #3

Justin T. writes: I think it looks like a Beipiaosaurus, a type of dino-bird. I have attached a drawing of one in this email.

Hmm. If it's a beipiaosaurus, it's the meatiest beipiaosaurus we've ever seen. Although admittedly, the only beipiaosaurus we've ever seen is in the picture Justin T. sent in. It could just be a flattering angle.

Send us your hypothesis:

New photograph of the Montauk Monster

Loren Coleman of Cryptomundo sends along word of a new picture of the monster, taken from a totally different angle.

This definitely bolsters our sleestak hypothesis, to my eye. Head over to Cryptomundo to see it in higher resolution.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Government denies involvement with Monster, suggests it's a cat

Clearly the government is trying to discourage you intrepid monster hunters. Carol Bengle Gilbert writes for Associated Content:

The Director of the Plum Island Animal Disease Center today uttered an unequivocal denial that the Monster of Montauk came from the facility. ..

Dr. Larry Barrett, Plum Island Animal Disease Center (PIADC) Director, responded to a flood of media inquiries on the Montauk Monster by issuing the following statement:

"It is impossible to accurately identify the species of animal from the photo. There is no scale from which to judge its size. Additionally, when a body has had prolonged exposure to water and predators, it can be altered or appear different from its normal form. If we had the actual body, we could tell you what it is; however, from viewing a canine tooth in the picture, we could guess it may be a cat or raccoon.

Yeah, OK. It's a cat. With a beak. Like you see all the time. Beakcat.

Montauk Monster Hypothesis #2

Hypothesis: the Montauk Monster is a sleestak from Land of the Lost.

Send us your hypothesis:

Montauk Monster Hypothesis #1

Hypothesis: The Montauk Monster is the skeksis from Dark Crystal.

Send us your hypothesis:

Calling all monster hunters..

America, your pristine, glittering beaches have been plagued long enough by the likes of the Montauk Monsters. Lingering just below the surface, waiting for your tender legs to dip into the water, the Montauk Monster has taken far too many liberties with your innocent trust of the sea.

Until today.

While the surprising appearance of a deceased Montauk Monster on a beach in its namesake Hamptons town yesterday morning was encouraging, it also strikes fear into our hearts--we now know that there are definitely more out there in the wild deep. We here at Venom, however, feel that we've lived in fear of the Montauk Monster for too long. We're proud to have created the only energy drink that bites back, and we think it's high time that man bite back against the scourge of the Hamptons seas. Gas prices are higher than anyone had ever imagined, food costs are rising and the housing market is in shambles...but there's one element of life that we can still control, and to that end the food chain dominance of the human race resumes here.

So hear this, America: Venom has placed a bounty on the capture of a Montauk Monster on one condition--you must bring it to us alive. The first person to do so will receive a lifetime supply of Venom and a sponsorship to further his/her career as a monster-hunter. Read the press release here for the details.

Hunters, fishermen, divers, army guys, soldiers of fortune--this is your chance to prove just how badass you are. To help, we've created this site to serve as a guide to finding, fighting and capturing the Montauk Monster. It's not a quest for the faint of heart.

Good luck, and make sure you have a big enough boat.

What is a monster hunter?

Are you man enough to capture the beast? The answer is probably no. Sorry.

But why don't we show you a few monster hunters that we admire - guys with the cojones to take down something like the Montauk Monster and bring it back alive. You might learn something.

Winston Zeddemore.

The finest of the Ghostbusters. The thinking man's Ghostbuster.

Yes, Bill Murray gets more jokes. Harold Ramis has compelling, Lyle Lovett-like hair. But Winston Zeddemore is the heart and soul of that legendary operation. Consider:

Harold Ramis: Well, let's say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning's reading, it would be a Twinkie thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately six hundred pounds.

Winston: That's a big Twinkie.


The original monster hunter, and the orginal bad-ass to boot.

Gilgamesh is too powerful, so the gods create Enkidu to humble him by beating him down: they become best friends.

Gilgamesh gets a hankering for some cedar wood (maybe he builds his own furniture, I don't know) but the cedar forest is guarded by a legendary monster: he kills it.

The gods are upset at Gilgamesh, so they send a monster to kill him and then they strike down Enkidu, his best friend: Gilgamesh defeats this monster too, and then goes on a quest to become a god.

That's how a monster hunter rolls.


Look, if you didn't play Wing Commander, you might not get this one. I'll try to explain.

Hobbes is a monster, kinda. Like a space monster. Or a space man. Except a cat.

But Hobbes defects from the monsters to fight on your side, against the monsters. Only eventually it turns out he was fighting for the monsters the whole time. Except not really, because he didn't really ever exist.

You know what? Skip this one.

John Major.

The last Nessie sighting was in 1996.

Yeah, exactly.

If you still think you're up for monster hunting with Venom now that you know what it's all about, send us an email with your monster hunting credentials to Entries will be judged on pictures and bathos.